VARIOUS ARTISTS:
Fresh Cuts & Cigarette Burns: 7”EP
Well, none can truthfully say that the six-band compilation 7” is an overpopulated genre, that’s fo’ dang sho’. In any event, hey! This record sounds like hardcore! And not the shitty kind that we’ve been having for the last twenty-eight years, either! The kinda good stuff, from like summer 1982 or something! Of course, they changed the sweetener in Lipton® Sugar-Free Iced Tea with Lemon™ since then, so i really can’t go home again ((and, hell, you can’t even get Tab™ in the glass returnable bottles any more)), but still, if you can find a better six-band 7” ep, i say BUY IT! The FNU Ronnies’ band name makes them sound like they’d be from Boston, but they actually sound more like “Let’s Go Die” from “Land Speed Record,” which was written by not Bob, not Grant, but Greg Norton, so all college rockers please go fuck themselves. Sick Jump! sound sort of like the last bit of leftover Keith Morris vocals from “Fix Me,” but, then again, that new Southwestern Airlines® TV commercial music sounds like an acoustic version of the last few bars of “No Values” so i guess this is timely and topical. Kill The Hippies are slightly jazzier, but, since they say right their in their band name that they are all about killing hippies, they are obviously on the up and up. The Curtains sound slightly spooky and gothy, what with the flanger and all, that i was wondering if there was gonna be some kinda “Hell Comes To Your House” kinda punky/gothy Side 1/Side 2 dichotomy, but White Load mostly just yell “NOTH-ING-IS-FUN-NY!!! NOTH-ING-IS-FUN-NY!!!” as they thrash park benches into soft mossy toothpicks Boston Not L.A. style ((or do i mean LAMA?)) so i’d say that was a false alarm. The Flying Trichecos end things tensely, i think. Better than A Collection of Question Marks! Happy days are here again. Wait, no, i meant UNHAPPY days. Well, you know what i mean. BEST SONG: FNU Ronnies, “Ain’t No Place.” BEST SONG TITLE: White Load, “Nothing Is Funny.” Or maybe that’s the best song, and “No Control But Dance Control” by Kill The Hippies is the best song. I’m not sure. FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Run-off grooves on both sides are inscribed with the message “Trutone NY Carl 3-09.” –Rev. Norb (Criminal IQ)